2nd person tf fic

Contains: 2nd person erotica, bad semi-philosophical rambling, pointlessly colorful writing, non consensual furry transformation and sex, transgender bullshit

There is a difference between distances. The color of the stretched out cairn, as you recede faster than you might’ve ever thought possible. Everything stretching out, growing etiolated as relative wavelength increases, where time stops and the world comes to a closer end where time fails to advance at the rate expected. You lose what you are.
To change your shape, you should recognize that there is stretching, that there is a skein of what you are that will require more radical reorganization if you don’t give the envelope time to relax and regenerate. Like bones jutting out from skin, or the stars poking holes in the night sky, light bleeding from above. Or teeth puncturing a friend’s skin and giving them that which changed you, or simply taking from them what you need. The boundaries matter, between yourself and the universe, between what you will do and what you won’t do.
But in the end, those can end up altered no matter how much time you give yourself to stretch and change, as they ought to be. That flexibility is how you can survive in different contexts, as fur begins to sprout across your body, and therefore it should be cherished, changes like this don’t come often, and they do matter.
We live in a finite universe, and the material that we have to work with is limited, it’s why your feet only now snap into their new stance, just wait until you see the abs you’ll grow for balance, but of course, that’s only in supplement to your tail, but you haven’t quite gotten– ha, nice timing huh? The energy it takes to make a change varies nonlinearly with the amount spent, depending on the facet that one desires to change, such as those teeth of yours, falling out and much, bigger, better teeth are already growing in, give it time, suckle from me, you’ll need calcium for those changes. So we must trust in the charity of the cycles that move energy throughout our environment, and the kindness which I show you here. There there, your ears are moving, it’s always nice to be able to finally really read them, decipher their body and map it to the words they cannot bring themselves to say, or at least
I love the way you just seem to get it, the way your new tail grows longer and thicker and covered in fur, wrapping around me as your tits grow in, you’ll like those, I know about your dysphoria, don’t worry, it’ll subside a bit. You know it won’t ever go away forever, you’ll have your doubts, but your world will change for the better, well, it did for me.
The trouble is that qualia are subjective, they are forged from memories and sensations and the raw mechanisms of consciousness, those are private, so I can hardly know for sure that your sensations are right for this, but ultimately, you should know that I have to do this. Well, ultimately there’s not much of a difference between needing and wanting, the distinction is entirely post-hoc, something that I’m sure we’ll have time to explore a great deal given what your cock is doing as it surges and changes, I wonder if you’ll get multiples?
But the thing I have to wonder, when you look upon your wonderful dual tone fur coat, will you think of me for giving it to you? Will it be possible for me to visit you wherever you go? Or stay with you forever, oh gosh, look at me, babbling like a horny fool, letting my feelings draw me into you, as if this exists in a more coherent form than the hormones and transmitters and raw absurd state coursing through my brain. But I don’t think there is anything beyond that, what is more real and significant than the mechanisms that enable thought? Even if they are also associated with foolish behavior motivated by over high emotions.
I would guess at the nature of the soul, but it is not a real thing, just an observation that people can only change so much in their nature without losing them as a person entirely. I do not know if that has a bearing upon us; you’re leaking all over me, no, don’t stop, mark me if you like, leave me covered in your essence as it is.
What matters in a person then? There is hardly a map of what a person may become with borders annotated for when they become someone else, the distinction is arbitrary, cultural norms would seem to be the providing part for when it is. But ultimately, behavior is a deep deep rut in humans and other animals, changing is hard, which is how you get things that nearly constitute a soul, body language, kinesics, the languages which the body learns of absolute necessity on its own, but that is hardly unique. The easiest things to learn are rewarding to the entity learning them, whether that is sociality, technical witchcraft, or, I suppose, sex. You’re nearly done aren’t you? A pleasant sight I must say.
The trouble will be the nature of consent. Was knowing that you would enjoy having this thrust upon you sufficient consent? In general, I would say no, but in this case, does that particularly matter? Is it responsible to leave someone in such a state as yours? Without offering at least a modicum of assistance? Without taking the opportunity anyway?
But if I don’t take the opportunity to ask, where does that leave us? Would you, my dear friend, like to fuck? Should I take the humping of my legs to indicate that you’re already ahead of me? How does a fox pussy(fussy) feel? Why don’t you find out for me?

Tired

I've been feeling very tired lately. I think that's understandable when people are shooting up my people because of blatantly false information(that they almost certainly know on some level is false).

My position on firearm ownership has become far more inclined to say that I should have one. So now I do, and I carry it. I actually own two different guns. They're both pistols, 9mm, and loaded currently with federal duty critical defense.

I really don't want to use it.

But like, I don't honestly think that there is a future in this country for people like me without people like me fighting for ourselves. And we're going to have to do that.

We are in a scary time, and a dipshit has just bought a huge media empire to run campaigns against his enemies(This doesn't look like it'll work out long term, but like, it's currently 11/23/2022, you can make fun of me when it's 08/1/2023 and twitter is back to its good old self), and did you know that among those enemies is a trans daughter who fucking hates the dude? Would you go after your estranged daughter with mobs of hate? I dunno dude, maybe he's not such a great guy.

Enough about such displeasing ephemera.

Every time that something like this happens I see a quick response from the community affected(when it isn't a school), that they should carry guns so that such idiotic spectacle is considerably more risky, followed by a bunch of 'liberals'(probably just conservatives that don't like guns) whining about the group protecting themselves, as if society is an actual fucking fabric that you can touch and are affected by rather than a nebulous (non-physical) web of consequence and action which you can choose to step outside of. This is about shifting the consequences in a certain direction, to make it less appealing to those who might want to.

I'm really just afraid, but it's been a long fucking time since I wasn't. I just wish that the reasons that I am afraid changed once in a while. It's exhausting to deal with.

And they want to use that, to make us sloppy, to make us more marginalized than we otherwise would be. Every single consequence of their actions that hurts us is a victory in their eyes, so we must attempt to deny them.

I've only just managed to get a job that I can actually support myself with, and find a family I have become a part of, and then deal with a lot of the psychological baggage. And when I finally get around to doing that for myself, in the service of my own enjoyment according to the principles I hold dear, it feels like there's suddenly way more people ready to take away everything that made that possible.

But I guess that's the trouble with happiness, there's always someone out there running a gigantic campaign that will most likely kill millions of people if it succeeds. And make no mistake, they will be doing that Intentionally.

Discontent

Shi scratches hir face, frowning as hir hand runs across the still too human contours of hir jaw. Shi looks at hir hands and rubs them, sore. Everything was coming up fine, according to hir doctors. Things proceeding slightly quickly, not outside the error bars of the average range though.

Hir ears were pointed, longer. Shi flexes on the nascent muscles, flipping hir ears slightly downwards, and utterly dislodging hir glasses. Hir glasses clatter to the floor, luckily undamaged.

Shi sighs, and picks them up. It wasn't clear if they were going to be necessary forever, since hir eyes were going to be changing over time. That timeline was fuzzier than shi would like,between 2 months and 10 years(whenever the stem cells feel like it essentially).

And from now until then there would be a lot of problems, the glasses will need to be adapted for the nose as it is, then as it will be. Everything will change.

This state has no name because it is intermediate between two more substantial ranges of appearances. But most of all, it's not a state that particularly lends itself to seeing hirself as shi wants to be, the features that shi wants gone most are still upon hir, while the things that have already changed feel disharmonious.

Shi wants to like what's happened so far, but all it has done is turn hir into a wookie. It's all intermediate steps, but, it still doesn't feel good to be somewhere that doesn't feel like it's closer to where you want to be.

daily report(7/12)

I have spent today cleaning up comments from previous commits. I have come to the conclusion that the hooks exist for the sake of the plugins who actually maintain their own state, so the configuration_hook stuff will have to go into the irods core library rather than the executable code.

That way I can put all the authentication initialization in the place where it makes sense, the authentication plugins themselves.

What that might require is adding a hook to load new plugins, but that strikes me as being a potentially thorny situation.

Twenty-Seventh, the Language

I have had an irresistible idea lately. What if you had forth but you had 256 stacks. We can't start there, what if it was based on the venerable MUF(Multi user forth) language, which has some relatively simple typing and generally provides a higher level interface, ameliorating one of the biggest issues I personally have in learning the Forth language proper, the untagged nature of the memory space.

Of course, this comes at a performance decrease, 256 stacks is a lot of context to lug around, and every instruction needs to be able to fit N bytes for the addresses of the operands, which means that the decoding will be more complicated.

There are a couple of types that MUF implements, and so too shall this implement:

  • Integer
  • Floating point(double precision)
  • Strings
  • Dynamic growable arrays
  • Associative ordered dictionaries

Given that I'm not writing a MUCK, I don't need to worry about property or database manipulation directly, and the time-slicing is an entirely optional component rather than an essential way to partition a single core across a hundred processor hungry players.

MUF implements call by name, using a string addressed call. For the sake of consistency, and because I can't imagine how awful it would be to have to specify the entire list of argument stacks in a variable length instruction, the CALL instruction shall be expected to draw from stack 0. This instruction will not normally be invoked by the user, but it may if the user wants to permit a dynamic choice of what word is invoked.

As I am basing it off of MUF, so things like sockets, file handles, etc are understood to be integers.

The language design should permit an unhinged degree of indirection, deception, and flow while writing while permitting an unsettling mixture of register and stack based paradigms.

This is a project which I intend to use for an iRODS rule engine, but my intention is to make this flexible enough that you could, if you wanted, write an actual muck with it.

My current thought on how this should look for the primitive instructions is like this:

pop[0] (pops from the 0th stack)
123[1] (pushes 123 to the 1st stack)
swap[1][1] (swaps the top two items in stack 1)
swap[1][2] (swaps the top item from stack 1, and the top item from stack 2)
rot[1][1][1] (rotate the top 3 items of stack 1)
rot[1][1][2] (rotate the top 2 items of stack 1 and the top item of stack 2)
rot[1][2][1] (rotate the top item of stack 1, the top item of stack 2, and the second item of stack 1)
rot[1][2][3] (rotate the first item of stacks 1,2,and 3)
... etc

In either case, I'm quite excited, this should be a language that will allow all sorts of silly hacks.

Human Replacement Therapy

"So," My dad says, "you're really sure you want to go through with this? I understand that it has effects that are irreversible past a certain point" His eyes are full of concern. It is misplaced concern, I think, but I can tell he is trying to be as kind to my ambitions as he can manage.

"I've wanted this my entire life." I say. He nods and swallows, looking back and forth between myself and my mom, she was concerned too, but I had talked about it more with her. She's the parent I always confided in.

"Well, your mom and I can help you with the cost for now." He says.

It was one of the easier discussions I have had with him.


Informed Consent

The clinic was full of posters that sent tingles up my spine, medical conditions relevant to people such as myself, that were leaving the human species behind, genetically at least, socially, well, that seems more like a longer term arc.

The doctor looks between me and the paperwork that I had signed. I wish I had known that it was informed consent sooner, and the thought of that fills me with regret. "You understand the basic risks here, that there are changes that will not revert over time? That the treatment may cause blood clots?" I nod twice, the second concern was more common in the previous generation of treatments, but it seems easier to say yes than point that out. "Alright," She smiles at me and hands me a tablet, "There's a lot more options here than in human-biased gender dysphoria treatments; fill out this form, then we'll go over the risks of the specific treatments together."

The options were impressively diverse. Species, hybrids, and sex and gender characteristics of course. A disproportionately large number of therians, myself included have issues with that too. It was easy to select the species, but the other options had me flushing imagining the scenarios I could never have fulfilled as I am right now.

I went with a more 'feminine build', dual wielding.

The specifics selected, I hand the tablet back to the doctor, she reads over it, "Your libido will most likely be substantially different in general. The specific options you've selected with regards to digit structure may result in greater susceptibility to repetitive stress injuries, and ergonomic issues with common products. The changes in your skin will result in substantially decreased sweat production, which may lead to hyperthermia, so you will need to take effort keep cool. Your wings will result in increased shoulder and back strain, and you will need to be registered as an ultralight under FAA rules if you wish to fly in controlled airspace."

"Sorry, what?" I ask.

She looks at me very seriously, "The wash around helicopters and fighter jets is very dangerous so you don't want a run in with that sort of thing... Your reproductive cycle will result in periods of high libido coupled with high fertility so plan accordingly. There are no mechanisms that will prevent self fertilization so Plan Accordingly with sexual acts involving penetration. Is that all acceptable?"

I blush at that, is this really a life I want to live? It doesn't sound bad, or like I have to do anything that could result in that.

"Alright, I'll get your prescriptions delivered to your home—" She looks at me with a bit of concern, "You are in a place where that is safe for you, right?" I nod.

"Alright, I'm going to teach you how to do a subcutaneous injection and an intramuscular injection. Do you do know how a suppository works?"

If I'm honest, I love it. I feel like an experiment; tell me what to do so I can be your bat~


I am at home in my bathroom. The syringes and needles are out, the first one is a medicine sold as Pteroperine which apparently treats some unimaginably dire disease in cishumans, the sort of thing where if you come out of it with wings you're still grateful.

The other injection is a modulator of that to alter its expression a bit. The suppository was for the reproductive stuff, weird how that worked out huh.

I pushed the needle into my upper thigh, initially not getting much sensation, until suddenly a lightning bolt travels up my spine, I push the plunger in. Nerves aren't fun to hit. The subcutaneous injection is easier. The suppository just feels weird. Is that really the best way to take it? Searches on Internet 3(The one where you can mute America) found plenty of stories expounding how it worked sufficiently well swallowed, and also a few papers that said as much.

I rub at the area, the bleeding stops quickly. The site feels a little weird, but I haven't received enough injections to know if it's exclusive to this medication or not.

There still wasn't that much literature on the timeline that this stuff worked over, as the other uses were very uncommon and money for researching the needs of therians with it had only recently started to become plentiful.

I head to bed, with the dreams of what might become swirling in my mind.

Daily report(7/1)

Today was successful. I was able to get the control plane to stop crashing and get the configuration tests to run to completion properly. The benchmark is written and reloading the configuration is so much faster than killing the irods server and starting it again.

Of course, that means it has limitations. Currently it is believed that the authentication modules do not work properly when the settings are changed. Honestly, this isn't a very simple program, apache is way simpler than irods, especially in terms of the dependencies, and I'm skeptical that this can be made to work perfectly in all situations.

The problem I had yesterday was the control plane catching the SIGHUP signal and terminating the server. With that fixed, it's working like a charm, all I need to do is see if we can replace some more of the calls to restart in the tests. Might even gain a percent off the tests 🙂

Daily Journal 6/29

Today has been frustrating. It has been beset by constant crashes and test failures. Today it seems that the previous bug where the delay server would die constantly because runtime values were erased appears to have returned with a vengeance.

So far I have been isolating what is causing the particular issue in the reload function(which is now faulting on something)(that something was the .end() sentinel).

After all that, I have it working again, well, working enough to fail tests.

Daily Report(6/27)

Today has been spent addressing comments made on the pull request.

  • Address that the field visibility of acquire_*_lock functions implied that it was meant to be derived
  • Replace rodslog calls in get_server_property with the modern logging system
  • Restore some whitespace

In addition, I updated the rodsLog calls in rodsServer and irods_server_properties.

I still need to rewrite the hook manager to avoid introducing yet another singleton